Inner Processes & Moving Forward

What an extraordinary process it is to set your sights & intention on something & then really start walking towards it. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Well I am finding it stretchy at the moment & that's putting it mildly.

What I have realised is that the intensity of the inner process of stepping up to your dreams is directly related to how far out of your natural ball park the intention is.
My intention is to empower the wayshowers, the Lightworkers, those who are here to serve the evolution of human consciousness so they can be placed & ready to be who they came here to be & do what they came here to do at this important time in human history.

Of course as soon as I declare that intention I become part of its dynamic, I grow the moment I say it out loud or write it for you to read. My energy 'pain body' reacts & must clear itself of anything contrary to the energy of that statement so it can become true for me, so I can step into it & live within it from the inside out. It's not just a new job or an ego trip, I must change to become it, emanate it, be it because I know it's why I'm here. So right now a whole new load of old programming is being churned up to be released or transformed so I can move into that...

I was raised in a soup of poverty consciousness, a belief system based on it always being someone else who has the success, the happiness, the money etc. Cynical & suspicious fingers were pointed by my parents at anyone who was 'too' clever, successful & yet at the same time they wanted it themselves, the result being of course a tug of war & they stayed stuck exactly where they were. It's how energy works, they were projecting the energy of success being bad plus a strong wanting of it for themselves. That energy output simply created more of the same.

Now as an empath & someone who picks up on other peoples' energy output & actually moves into resonance with it I had to fight hard to hold a different belief & energy around my family. I had to battle to stay centred in my own truth even though I was the only voice. I craved parental approval & yet could not comply with the culture they surrounded me with. I was constantly conflicted. I broke away from the tribal pattern in my family & was the first to go to a Grammar school. Ouch. You should have heard the names I was called at age 11 by my own family. I walked to school those first days (desperately wanting to feel proud that I'd passed my 11 plus), through a rough council estate in my Grammar School uniform as those who had previously been my friends just days earlier threw missiles at me or spat at me.

It was even worse when I was the first in my family to go to University. Heaven forbid I'd actually get a degree! (I did get my degree).

So you see I am realising & sharing how far I have actually come already. As I sit here writing my first free offering for my new website I am battling inner demon after inner demon as more comes to the surface. My stomach aches, my digestion is all over the place, tears flow often & the resistance & fear is showing up around me in all sorts of ways. And yet the urge to grow & be all I came here to be drives me forward in spite of any of my childhood ghosts. This drive to serve is what I trust. This I surrender to as much as I can each day as those old voices bubble to the surface. I will not let them stop me.

I know after my own years of personal exploration & of working with clients that these are all signs of the healing process, I am not the negative thoughts or feelings & those voices are just the old energy clearing from my 'pain body'. I have been on some intense journeys of homelessness, disability, abuse, poverty but I have to say that putting my hand up & saying 'My turn!' is the most personally confronting of all.

I asked dear Nick for guidance about confidence & was kindly advised to take small steps which is of course all any of us can do but for me I must add 'Breathe, breathe, breathe' & keep moving forward trusting & believing in myself. If I didn't have pages of wonderful testimonials from my clients it would be easy to get lost in all the 'stuff' that gets churned up. I've come this far & I WILL be who I came here to be, I WILL do what I came here to do.

Bless my family for being the wall that I learned to push against in the direction of greatness. Bless them.

Time to shine.